The past couple months have been terrible. I feel like I’m living in a fucking nightmare. Nothing I do seems to count for much, and I can’t get ahead to make things better. I just want a bundle of money to fall from the sky and land at my feet with a note attached saying ‘Free to a good Home!’ or ‘Congratulations! You didn’t get hit on the head by a falling suit case- Here’s your reward.”
I was listening to a song that I know word for word, can even hum the tune when bored. But I’d never actually LISTENED to the lyrics; until today.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIukr8dADDM
Watch it, and listen to the lyrics. It’s an amazing song that touches my heart in a way that not a lot of songs do from the 90′s do. I want someone to come along into my live and tell me they’re going to buy me a new life. I want the house on the hill, with a garden. I’m tired of having a well fare Christmas, if any Christmas at all.
I’m tired of working for nothing. I’m tired of saying the same things over and over and over and over again. I’m tired of EVERYONE complaining how bad their lives are, and think they have it worse off. I’m tired of worrying about having a roof over my head. I’m tired of not having my OWN transportation. I’m tired of hand-outs. I’m tired of wondering when we’ll have food in the fridge. I’m tired of thinking that I’ll never amount to anything. I’m tired of the bitching. I’m tired of not having a day off, and nothing to show for it (Said it twice, I know). I’m just tired. I’m tired of everything.
Not only am I physically tired; but emotionally too. If I didn’t keep all of my emotions bottled up inside like a mason jar, I’d explode into a million tiny fragments.
But even over all of that, I’m tired of not being able to help those that I love. Those that have been working harder than me for a lot more years, with nothing to show. All they have is a lifetime of stories that amuse for a while, but they still worry and ache over the same things I do at the age of 20.
I wish I’d been able to have a childhood. I wish my real father had been there for me growing up. I wish a lot of things… But wishing doesn’t get me anywhere. Just a headach, and a little fire in the back of my head that hollers ‘You’ll never be good enough’.
I feel like school is out of the question for me. I can’t sit down and even fill out the fucking application because they’re asking a bunch of questions that make no sense. Why do they care when my parents divorced? Why do they care how much money my mom made last year? I’ve been living on my own since I was 16. No, I wasn’t emancipated, but I had my own apartment, my own job, my own money, and I was still in High School.
I’ve been homeless, I’ve felt great loss. I know what those are like, and I NEVER want to worry that my children will have to go thought the same thing.
Somebody sing me a song.
A song of glory.
Somebody hum me a tune.
A tune of happiness.
Somebody tell me a Tale.
A tale of greatness.
Somebody write me a poem.
A poem of Love.
When that somebody comes along to do all these things, I’ll know Im where I want to be. All will be good and I can live life in my own lane. Not the fast lane or the Slow lane, My OWN lane. no arrows pointing me in the ‘right’ directions. No crossing pedestrians. No speed limit, stop signs, or red lights. Just one little voice whispering in my ear.
A sweet, calm, beautiful voice that makes me feel like I’m home. A voice that only ever has one thing to say:
Go.
